


Do you want it or not?

by Menesty



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: First Time, Frustration, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-09-27 01:50:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17153036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Menesty/pseuds/Menesty
Summary: After the first kiss between Levi and Nico, Link and Meredith found Levi prostrate in the elevator....  Nico blames himself, but....





	1. Chapter 1

Levi fixes the closing elevator doors. What happened? What happened?

He was there, thinking, in the elevator... He was thinking of Nico of course.... The doors opened and Nico materialized as if he was answering a silent call... And just a few seconds later, Levi is still there but feels like he has been shaken by a storm.

He still feels Nico's gaze as he probes his mind before he dares to kiss him... he still feels his heart stop beating, telling himself that the moment he hoped for without knowing it was there... he still feels Nico's lips, greedy, that devour him passionately... He still feels the warmth of Nico's hand on his throat.... He still feels his body stretching against Nico's... He moans noisily and his legs flee under his body.... He slides on the ground, squeezes his legs against his chest... He would like to disappear into a mouse hole... He would like to fall asleep so that he no longer feels this mixture of despair and rage... He would like to teleport to his bed, away from this elevator, away from Nico, away from the ortho ward, away from this hospital... The elevator beeps, he moans, as long as no one goes up.... He hope no one he knows comes up...

\- Schmitt.... Is everything all right?  
He looks up to Link's voice... His throat is tight, he can't speak...  
Link decides to sit down near Levi....  
\- that ortho day was so unpleasant, Schmitt?  
Levi says no shaking his head... He loved ortho.... He would like to continue working with Link, but he no longer wants anything to do with the man who just humiliated him.  
The elevator beeps, they both growl.

\- Good evening, gentlemen, was it a tiring day?  
Meredith Grey enters the elevator, and looks at the two men sitting on the floor.  
Link shrugs his shoulders and points with his finger to Lévi, curled up.  
\- a problem in the operating room, Schmitt?  
Levi says no shaking his head... And when he saw Meredith's eyes, he broke down in tears.  
Meredith sits down on the ground on the other side of Levi. Silence fills the elevator. Levi is gradually calming down.

\- You.... You know when you think you are alone and that, you feel good, alone, that you don't necessarily want to meet someone... But by surprise, someone finds you, looks at you and gives you the impression of being unique... to exist fully.... What... What...

\- It is indeed very intense....

\- how do we continue to live, when this person, after having made you live this feeling of fullness, abandons you?

\- ...

-... Schmitt, we worked together all day, you seemed a little nervous but not desperate... When did you get to experience all this....

\- There.... Here.... In this elevator.... Five minutes ago.... A passionate kiss.... Then hurtful words.... Kissed and abandoned in less than 2 minutes.... And that after weeks of flirting, dreams, fantasies... How can it exist to be seduced and abandoned in two minutes?

Levi is in a second state, the words come out without being thought about before.

Link knows... Link saw how interested Nico was in Schmitt.... Damn it Nico, he thinks....

\- I would like to hit him... Hurt him like he hurt me....  
\- He ?..... Meredith looks at Schmitt, then Link... He?  
\- I'll leave you, I have to go back to my department, Link talks annoyingly.  
\- Dr. Link... Don't tell him you saw me like that....  
\- Why protect him?  
\- I just don't want him to have the joy of knowing I'm desperate.  
\- whatever he did here.... And even if I don't understand it.... I know him well enough to say that he would never rejoice at hurting someone.

The elevator beeps, Link goes out, leaving Meredith and Levi alone.

\- Derek proposed to me in that elevator.... Oh, if this elevator could talk...  
\- I had my first kiss with a man in that elevator... It was exceptional...  
\- There will be more Schmitt....  
\- .... Levi watches Meredith interrogative.... Other men perhaps.... But His kisses drive me crazy... I'll never get those feelings back....  
\- I was talking about his kisses... It is obvious that he likes you... His look at you speaks for itself... I didn't know that this attraction was reciprocal... I don't know why he backed away... But if one thing's for sure, if he kissed you, it's because he wanted to...  
\- Yes, probably.... But he doesn't want me since he knows it's my first time.  
\- How do you feel now?  
\- Anger.... And the desire not to meet him again, at least for the time it takes to digest the event... Dr. Grey? Can I stay in your department for the rest of the week?  
\- Of course Schmitt.... and I'm going to stop Dr. Kim from wanting to play with my interns...  
\- But...  
\- And you let me do what I want, okay?  
\- Well, Dr. Grey.... Levi is getting up... See you tomorrow and thank you for not leaving me alone there.  
\- See you tomorrow, Schmitt.

 

Nico thinks about what just happened in the elevator.... His whole body would like to return to the elevator and indulge in the pleasure of discovering every part of the young intern's body. But it is at his head that he must trust, he does not want to take responsibility for a relationship with a gay man who discovers himself. He still feels Levi's trembling body under his burning gaze... He still feels the fever that rises inside him when he kisses him with a rough kiss.... He still feels his heart leaping every time the clumsy young intern lays eyes on him.... He still feels his body igniting in the presence of Levi... He still feels a whiff of desire to make him blush.... He still feels the warmth of Levi's hand on his neck.... Nico almost runs to get to the ortho department, he runs away from the young man he has been openly flirting with for weeks.... He throws himself on a desk chair and takes his head in his hands... There is still a long time left.

\- What a jerk, but what a jerk I am... Nico keeps repeating these words.  
\- I can only agree with you... Link arrives behind him.  
\- Oh, damn it, Link.... I did something stupid...

Link agrees.

\- Probably yes.... The question is whether the bullshit is to have kissed Schmitt or to have rejected him... Damn it, Nico!!!!!  
\- Have you seen him? How is he doing?  
\- I'm not authorized to answer that question. Go home, Nico, I'll see you tomorrow...  
\- Are you going to be okay tomorrow?  
\- It will be fine... We'll have to work with another intern, probably.

Nico takes his head in his hands again, moaning.

\- What a jerk, but what a jerk I am...

Link goes to the elevators, the doors open, he finds Meredith still sitting against the elevator wall.

\- Are you still here? Where's Schmitt?  
\- Back home, I guess....  
\- And you?  
\- I was thinking about everything I experienced in that elevator...  
\- Um I guess if one day I ever thought of kissing you, I'd have to choose another place...  
\- Yes, I suppose so.

Link smiles, she obviously doesn't reject the idea that this could happen.

\- Would you help me get Dr. Kim to want to play with my interns?  
\- As long as it doesn't prevent him from working and validating his specialization... I'm following you...  
\- No, nothing very bad.... Just trying to shake his insurance to the limit.... And make him understand....  
\- That he acted like an asshole? He already knows that....  
\- No.... That you only have one life and when you have the opportunity to live such an intense love story, you have no right to let it pass...  
\- You want to be a greedy man?

Meredith smiles and gets out of the elevator....

\- Have a good evening.

 

Meredith was given the opportunity the next day to play with Nico's nerves. A Trauma requiring joint surgery by the general surgery and ortho teams... Meredith, Schmitt, Link, Nico and Helm are in the operating room.  
The tension is high in the room.... Levi avoids watching Nico as much as possible.... Anger has taken over from despair, his actions are sudden.

\- So Dr. Kim... You like working at the Grey Sloan Memorial? Begins Mérédith  
\- Yes, it is.  
\- and you like Seattle?  
\- I haven't had time to discover the city yet. But I feel good here....  
\- Fine but alone? I'd be happy to introduce you to a friend who's in town.  
\- Thank you, but I'm not looking for a sentimental encounter, Dr. Grey.  
\- Who talks about feelings?  
\- Sorry, Dr. Grey, I thought you meant a date.  
\- Yes indeed... But dating doesn't necessarily mean feelings Dr. Kim... Just like flirting or first kiss doesn't mean feelings either... Doesn't it, Dr. Kim?

 

\- ... Nico frowned, not understanding what she was getting at.  
\- Is your heart already taken, Dr. Kim?  
\- But... What... Nico is babbling.  
\- Dr. Kim has always been very discreet about his private life, Dr. Grey... Link joins Meredith in the discussion.  
\- Ah I see... Finally a serious doctor at Grey Sloan? so you separate private and professional life very clearly? no attempt to seduce colleagues. So we'll never find you smooching anyone in the nooks and crannies of the hospital. There have been so many love dramas here, happy to know that it will never happen to you here, Dr. Kim. *Says Meredith with an ironic tone. *

Nico is destabilized by Meredith's words, he looks at Levi, Levi shoots Nico with his eyes... Link bites his lips so as not to laugh. 

\- By the way, I heard a question I couldn't answer yesterday: How can you be seduced and abandoned in 2 minutes? 

Meredith looks at everyone in the room... Helm frowning, she doesn't understand... Nico clenching his teeth in sighs... Levi concentrates strongly on the patient... Link tries to keep serious and answers... 

\- I've already experienced this... My first kiss... Two intense minutes... And my mother served the snack, little Linda threw herself on the pancakes and never kissed me again... So I was 8 years old... 

Meredith, Link and Helm laugh. Nico looks at Levi. Levi looks at the patient. 

\- If I translate this story into the adult world, Link. Does that mean we give up one delicacy for another?  
\- This is one of the explanations... But not the only one... Adults often give up for fear...  
\- Fear... Does fear allow you to humiliate someone? Is it fear or cruelty? 

Nico stammered, he lost all confidence, he has the impression that we want to torture him.  
\- Dr. Lincoln... We're done here... Do you need me?  
\- You can go, Nico. 

Nico comes out of the operating room feeling like he's running out of air. And Levi, who has been running away from him since yesterday, how can he apologize... He goes to the gallery, he's upset. He observes Levi... He understood that he had hurt him... He is so eager to take him in his arms... But he can't give in, he doesn't want to be on the way to Levi's coming out. 

Levi, despite his anger, feels sad for Nico... He looks up and meets Nico's eyes. Meredith tells him :

\- Oh, no, Schmitt, don't feel sorry for Dr. Kim... I could have been meaner than that... My interns are not toys. 

Meredith smiles, proud to have destabilized Nico.

\- We did a good job, you can take the patient in the wake-up room.

 

Later that day, Helm joined Nico in the ortho department. She finds him in an office, head in hand.  
"Dr. Kim, are you all right?

He looks up and looks at her, without saying anything. She sees that her eyes are shining, and suspects a tear of threatening to run.

\- Dr. Grey had a strange behavior today. I didn't understand anything about her story about interns being treated like toys.  
\- Unfortunately, I understood very well. I did something I shouldn't have done, and she obviously knows.  
\- What did you do? What did you do?  
\- Helm!!! Oh and then you'll find out, there's no secret in this hospital. I kissed an intern...  
\- You kissed an intern, the big deal... Everyone or almost everyone has at least kissed one of his colleagues at one time or another here. Just tell me that intern you kissed... It's Levi... Isn't it?  
\- Levi? Nico frowned without understanding.  
\- Uh, Schmitt, his first name is Levi.

Well done, my good Nico, you kiss a guy and you don't even know his first name, Nico thinks. He blushes when he hears Schmitt's name.

\- I knew it, I was right... Saying he didn't tell me... He's my best friend, you know.  
\- I didn't finish my story Helm... I kissed an intern in the elevator, then I told him our love relationship was impossible, and I left.  
\- What did you do!!!!!!!  
\- Now you know why Dr. Grey behaved aggressively with me today.  
\- And why Levi's been totally cold and angry since this morning. And why am I working in ortho today... Why didn't he tell me?... And above all, why seduce and kiss a guy, if it's to reject him in the second that follows? Are you a predator who plays with other people's feelings?

Nico sighs sadly.  
\- No, I'm not... It's just, Levi finds out he's gay...  
\- Yes, so what? You've been flirting with him for weeks. You saw that he was not an experienced seducer! He blushed, stammered, refused dates... He was tetanized by what he felt when he came into contact with you...  
\- I don't want to be the first man for him... I can't take that risk...  
\- The risk of what? To live a beautiful story, to be happy...  
\- You know that living as a gay in this society is not easy. I came all the way for myself, I can't do it for him.  
\- Did he ask you to do that?  
\- No....  
\- Just one question, this kiss, how would you define it?

Nico closes his eyes and relives the scene of the kiss with Levi... He feels his body stretching and his breath getting shorter... Helm looks at him and smiles.

\- The first most intense kiss I've ever experienced... I think that's how I can define it.  
\- And you're going to give up reliving these feelings, because you refuse to give Levi something he doesn't ask you to do?  
\- …  
\- You guys are gonna have to talk to each other, we have to fix this... Otherwise the atmosphere is gonna be really bad.  
\- I would like to talk to him... I would like to explain... I would like to apologize... But he is avoiding me... He has asked to stop working in ortho... And Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Grey are blocking... I hurt him deeply.  
\- I should hate you for that... But I'll give you an opportunity to talk to him... Wait in the first floor guard room, I'll text him to meet me there... Then you make him listen... Good luck...

Nico headed for the first floor, ready to do anything to explain himself and get out of this unpleasant situation. Taryn is texting Levi.

Levi is with Meredith Grey in an elevator. She looks at him with a smile.  
\- So Schmitt, are you feeling better today?  
\- It's all right, Dr. Grey... Thank you...  
\- You're welcome... My door will always be open if you need to talk to me... Don't keep things to yourself... Don't let anything get in the way of your medical studies. I believe in you, and I'm not the only one. You'll be a very good doctor.  
\- Thank you Dr. Grey....

His smartphone rings... A text message from Taryn asking her to join her urgently in the guard room on the 1st floor. The elevator is coming up on the first floor.  
\- Good evening, Dr. Grey," said Levi running to the guard room.

Levi enters the guard room, very out of breath.  
\- Taryn, what's going on? I came as soon as I got....

His voice breaks when he sees that Taryn is not there... He is facing Nico, sitting on one of the beds, his hands clasped together. Levi hesitated to turn around immediately and flee away from the man who had rejected him. But he remains paralysed, leaning against the closed door that would be his only way out. A long moment of silence follows... They look at each other without daring to say a word. Nico thinks long and hard, he knows that choosing the wrong words is taking the risk that Levi will turn his back on him forever.

\- Levi.... I was wrong...

Nico doesn't know how to continue... The silence is getting heavy again... Levi feels the anger rising inside him, he turns around and opens the door... Nico reacts...

\- Please stay, stay and let me tell you... Just give me some time to explain....

Levi turns around, closes the door and leans on it. Without a word, he stared at Nico crossing his arms and waited...

\- I'm sorry I hurt you... I've been attracted to you since the first day... And I did everything I could to make you notice me, to make you want to spend time with me. Yesterday was an ideal day, we shared intense moments professionally and personally...  
\- Which explains why, out of weakness, you stooped to kiss a clumsy little intern in ignorance of his own homosexuality? Was this a good way to end a day of intense moments?  
\- No!!!! I'm trying to tell you that these shared moments have confirmed my attraction to you. I wanted to know if this emotion was reciprocal, that's why I kissed you.  
\- What you immediately regretted....  
\- I wish I could regret that kiss, but I've been obsessed with it since yesterday... It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced...  
\- Now... Now... I wish I could hate you... You tell me you're sorry you hurt me, but every sentence that comes out of your mouth hurts me more!  
\- What I'm trying to explain to you is that you're not the problem... I'm the problem... I'm the problem... Part of me wants to get into this story with you without any barriers... Another part of me is terrified and refuses to let go of this possible relationship... I can't be your first boyfriend!  
\- So the solution is for me to have sex with any guy and come back to you after?????? Do you realize the situation you're putting us in... Yesterday I thought to myself, he doesn't want me... Now you're telling me you want me, but not who I am, because you don't want to be the first man in my gay life?  
\- I'm really sorry for this ambivalence... I'm struggling not to take you in my arms and kiss you to regain that feeling of fullness I felt yesterday... It would be so easy... I can't bear the thought of another guy touching you either...  
\- Look, Nico, I don't understand you... I don't judge you... I'm trying to digest the wound you inflicted on me... I've heard your explanations... I can't give you the opportunity to hurt me more. Don't come back to me until you're ready to live this relationship... You just have to say "yes"... I'm afraid of all the feelings you create in me, too, but I want to discover them with you.  
Until then, let me, stop flirting with me... If you're never ready, too bad... As time goes by, maybe we can be good comrades and work well together. You are a good teacher, I maintain it... When waiting for you will do me more harm than good, I will stop waiting for you... 

Nico listens to Levi, surprised by Levi's authoritarian tone and confidence in his words... He has the impression that the roles have been reversed... Levi feels anger leaving him, he has to move on. Nico looks at Levi as he approaches him, and leaves a sweet kiss on his lips.

\- Thank you for talking to me... If I don't understand what you want more... At least I know where I am and what I want...

Nico is tetanized. Levi is going to leave, Nico grabs Levi's hand, as if to hold him back. Levi looks at him. Nico lets go of Levi's hand, looking sorry. Levi smiled sadly at him and left the room.


	2. first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi meets a man... Levi will live his first time

A month has passed....  
Levi and Nico have not had a new conversation since then, they remain polite and distant in their work and avoid each other the rest of the time.   
Only a few tense, exchanged glances remain vestiges of this episode of the elevator and what followed.

Levi is in the locker room, singing as he prepares for his shift. Helm's questioning him.  
\- What's going on? What's going on? It's been a long time since I've seen you in a good mood.  
\- I met someone, Levi answered her with a mysterious look.  
\- A guy?  
\- Yes....  
\- For real?  
\- For real... We're having our second dinner together tonight.  
\- Do you like him?  
\- He's nice, funny and pretty handsome.  
\- And he kissed you?  
\- Not yet... I admit I'm a little afraid to kiss him, considering the experience I had with Nico... 

There's nothing he can do about it, but when Levi says Nico's name, his voice breaks.

\- But Levi... You're so... You're so fragile...   
\- It's just a date, I'm not putting my life in danger.  
\- But please, do you want him?   
\- Me? I want Nico Kim, for God's sake... And I can't have him... So I have to forget him and move on.  
\- And so sleep with the first person who comes along?  
\- Sleeping with a guy who wants me and won't break my heart.  
\- How can you be so sure?  
\- Because my heart is already in pieces...  
\- …

Levi is heading to the ortho department where he is assigned all week. This is the first time since the case he's been on ortho duty.  
\- Hi Schmitt... Glad to have you back with us. I hope your pleasure in working in ortho is intact.  
\- Hello, Dr. Lincoln. Very happy to work with you again.  
\- Hello... Nico's deep voice makes Levi shiver, he shakes his head and grunts.  
\- Hello, Dr. Kim.  
\- Well, I see that the atmosphere is still as good as ever. Let's go, we have a rough day. Link speaks with laughter.

 

That night, Levi had dinner with Steven. Steven has chosen a cosy restaurant, where they can chat in peace and quiet. Levi appreciates everything he discovers about Steven. A nice guy, attractive and who looks at him without asking him to be someone else. He can never thank Cece enough for organizing this meeting for him.

The two men come out of the restaurant laughing, the evening was good and they feel good. Steven lives a stone's throw away, Levi walks him to his door.  
At the bottom of the building, Steven turns to Levi, smiles at him. Levi smiled back at him. Steven approaches his face, they almost touch each other... Then with infinite slowness, their lips meet in a sweet kiss.   
They embrace each other, the kiss gets deeper, their tongues mix. Steven said to him in a hoarse voice:  
\- Come to my house....  
Levi recognizes the desire that makes Steven's voice vibrate, the same desire he has perceived many times when Nico was talking to him... Don't think about Nico Kim, especially not now... Levi grabs Steven's hand that leads him to the building.  
They enter Steven's house, everything is refined, soft... Like Steven who always does everything smoothly, don't rush anything. Their lips join again, their hands caress each other's bodies... Levi feels Steven's hands unbuckle the belt from his pants... He didn't tell him he'd never done that... He looks into Steven's eyes as a sign of surrender... Steven kneels down in front of Levi and takes his sex in his mouth...

 

The next day at noon, in the cafeteria, Taryn and Levi have lunch together.

\- How was your second date?  
\- Very pleasant.  
\- Did he kiss you?  
\- We kissed, and it was so good, so sweet... He's so tender. And....  
\- And?  
\- We finished the evening at his house.  
\- Levi Schmitt... Wow...  
Levi blushes to his ears, Taryn looks over Levi's shoulder with big open eyes. Nico is behind Levi, he heard everything from the conversation and remains paralysed.  
Levi looks at Taryn and turns around, he finds himself face to face with Nico. The two men hold each other's gaze for a few seconds, then Nico's deep, hard and cold voice.

\- Schmitt, Dr. Lincoln is expecting you in the operating room in 10 minutes.  
\- All right, I'll go.

 

In the late afternoon, Nico and Levi await the results of a patient in the radiography room.  
\- So? says Nico  
\- So what?  
\- How was your date?   
\- I have no intention of discussing this with you.  
\- It's important the first time... Did it go well?  
\- Nico, damn it... What don't you understand when I tell you I don't want to talk about this with you? We are not friends!!!  
\- So what are we?  
Levi looks at Nico. Nico seems angry and desperate at the same time... Levi shakes his head, he refuses to fall back into the gay drama created by Nico.   
\- Let's focus on these radios....

 

8:00 p. m., it's been a long day. Levi is in the elevator that will take him to the hospital exit and he will finally be able to go home. Intern's days are already very trying, but working near Nico is torture for Levi... Well, old man, you're not cured, Levi thought to himself.   
At the same time, the elevator doors open and Nico enters... Levi tries to get out to escape a boring head-to-head situation. But Nico grabs his arm and holds him until the doors close again.  
\- But... Nico... Get the hell off me!  
Nico looks at him with a dark, almost threatening look.  
\- Just a minute, I just want to know....  
Nico puts Levi on the wall and kisses him with rage, a violent kiss that makes them both tremble. Levi responds to this kiss with his whole body, with his whole being... He glues his body to Nico's body, praying that it will never stop.   
The elevator beep, the doors open, they separate, but their eyes remain fixed on each other. 

Without a word, Nico takes Levi with him to his car. Levi is out of breath, he would like to think but he is incapable of it, he has the impression that his life only holds by the presence of Nico... He looks at him... Nico drives as if there was an emergency, he is short of breath... He stops the car at the bottom of a building, turns towards Levi, kisses him again with violence. These sudden and passionate kisses are the opposite of Steven's sweet and tender kisses the day before.

\- Come on! Come on! Nico takes Levi with him to his apartment.

They kiss passionately, their mouths are eager for kisses... They undress each other... Their gestures are messy, abrupt... Nico takes Levi into the bedroom and pushes him on the bed... He lies down against him and caresses him... Levi feels like Nico's hands are all over him... He feels he exists beyond what he thought possible... He feels Nico's erect sex, hard, against his buttocks... Nico's hoarse voice...  
\- I want you... I'll fuck you... If you want me to stop, say so now...  
\- Never stop... I beg you, take me... I want to feel you in me.

Nico no longer controls himself, his sex rubs between Levi's buttocks... He's going to penetrate him, he needs to dive deep inside him... He feels Levi contracting... He caresses him...  
\- Relax...  
\- It's just that... Levi hesitates... Despite the madness of the moment, he fears Nico's reaction...  
\- It's just that?  
\- This is my first time....  
Nico looks at him, shocked... His gaze becomes softer... His hoarse voice whispers..:  
\- It's important the first time... Unforgettable...

Nico gently rubs his sex against Levi's buttocks and gently enters him, in small movements, going a little further each time. Levi gets more and more excited and throws his ass at Nico's sex.  
After brushing his sex with lubricant, Nico introduces his glans with a gentle slowness, until he enters Levi completely. His movements are very slow at first and gradually increase. Levi pushes towards Nico, he wants to feel him deep inside himself. Pleasure leads them both to enjoyment. When Nico comes, Levi feels the spasms of his sex in him.  
They both fall back to the bed... Out of breath... Levi bends against Nico...

When he caught his breath, Nico darkened... Levi saw him.

\- You're sorry already? No, please don't think about it....  
\- I'm sorry, I thought....  
\- You thought I slept with another guy yesterday...  
\- But you told Helm...  
\- That we finished the evening at his place, yes... And...  
\- And?..... You can tell me anything.  
\- He started sucking my dick....  
Nico clears his throat with difficulty...  
\- You can tell me anything... But it's hard to hear...  
\- He started sucking my dick... But I couldn't... I was obsessed with you... I thought it was your mouth I wanted on my sex... So I left, explaining to him that as long as I thought about you, I wouldn't be able to live anything else.  
\- I've been jealous all day... Thinking that someone else had caressed you, fucking you... This idea was unbearable... Thinking that I would never have you... All day long, I've kept myself from throwing myself at you...   
\- Not quite, all day... You've given in to your urges, Dr. Kim...  
\- I could have really hurt you... I'm sorry...  
\- Don't be sorry... This moment was incredible... Better than anything I could have imagined. And if I didn't want you to do it, I would have told you... Don't treat me like a fragile thing...  
\- I will try....  
\- Are you taking me home now? Or, can I sleep here?  
\- Stay with me. 

Nico hugs Levi, and they fall asleep together, their desire satisfied.


	3. When you love a tiger, how can you be satisfied with a kitten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the first night, Nico tries to talk to Levi. Levi refuses to listen to him, convinced that he wants to break up.

Nico keeps his eyes closed, he feels Levi's body against his own, warm, sweet. He thinks about everything that has happened since the day before... He blames himself for the violence with which he made love to him. Two months of frustration combined with a good dose of jealousy and he was behaving like a wild beast.

\- What do we do now? He does not realize that he is saying these words out loud.  
\- Breakfast?

Nico jumps, Levi's voice, still full of sleep, answers from under the duvet. Nico opens his eyes, and sees Levi pull his head out from under the duvet, and repeat with a sweet smile.

\- I haven't experienced this kind of situation very often... But I would say that it would really be a good idea to prepare breakfast... Knowing that we haven't eaten, neither of us since yesterday noon... And that we have to be in the hospital in an hour.  
\- Levi... We need to talk...

Levi looks at Nico, pouted, shook his head... Then he laid a kiss on Nico's lips.

\- I don't think I want to hear what you have to say... You have a dark look that doesn't look good to me... I'd really rather have breakfast... Or maybe...

Levi smiles, and kisses Nico again. This time his mouth becomes more pressing, and Nico lets himself go into a passionate kiss. When they run out of breath, they observe each other for a moment.

\- You're going to drive me crazy... Nico whispers, jumping out of bed... I'm going to make you a nice breakfast... And we'll have to talk about what happened here last night.

As Nico goes to the kitchen to get active, Levi stretches out in his lover's bed and whispers with a smile: "No no no no no no no... I won't let him ruin this day for me..."

Throughout breakfast, Nico tries to talk about the previous day. Throughout breakfast, Levi dodges the subject and talks about things and other things, smiles at Nico in a very suggestive way. Nico loses his temper every time. Once they are ready, they take the road to the hospital.

When they arrive 500 m from the hospital, Levi says:  
\- Stop the car... Drop me off there if you want.  
\- Huh?  
\- Yes, I understand that it can be embarrassing for you to be seen arriving together in your car in the early morning.  
\- It's no more embarrassing for me than it is for you.  
\- That is, I have absolutely no regrets about what happened between us, and half the hospital knows that I'm completely crazy about you... I don't care if I'm seen coming with you... But you... You've been trying for hours to explain to me that you regret what happened and how to end it... So I understand that you would prefer that we not be seen together.  
\- But I...

Levi turns around with a smile.

\- You weren't ready... You responded to an impulse caused by jealousy... I'm not asking you for anything, except not to spoil this day for me, please... See you soon...

Levi kisses Nico as he caresses her cheek, then gets out of the car and heads for the hospital.  
Nico is confused, he restarts and also goes to the hospital.

Link is quite happy to see that the atmosphere is better that day, even if he doesn't understand why at all. Levi is smiling and relaxed, and Nico seems to have his mind elsewhere. He announces them.

\- This morning, we have a joint operation with Dr. Grey, we will operate on the patient's leg, while she will operate on the spleen... In this case, two separate operations, requiring 2 anaesthesias, would be dangerous for the patient.

Nico grimace, he has a bad memory of the last time he went to the O.R. with Dr. Grey. He looks at Levi who seems delighted with the idea.

 

They wash their hands, side by side...

\- Levi... We really need to take the time to talk... You need to listen to me...  
\- Okay... After the surgery, we'll meet in the on-call room... And I'll listen to you... Unless...

Levi looks at Nico with his tongue over his lips, in a very suggestive way.

\- You are the devil... said Nico taking a deep breath.

They both laugh as they enter the block, where Meredith, Link and Helm are waiting for them.

\- Well, we take the same ones and start over... I see that the atmosphere is good. Hello Schmitt, hello Dr Kim. Can we get to work?

As the operations were almost finished, Taryn told Levi.

\- Oh Levi, a Steven came by this morning...  
\- Ah... Why?  
\- He wanted to give you your belt back... I put it in my locker, remind me to give it back to you. Ah and he had a message too: Don't hesitate to call back when you're cured. What is this story, what disease is it about?  
\- Taryn... We're not alone, I'm telling you.  
\- Yes, I know, but we're between us, nobody here knows what's going on inside you, little Levi.  
\- Helm, be serious, please... Meredith intervenes.

They focus again on the patient. After a long time, Meredith said.

\- Steven, huh? What is he like?  
\- Nice, sweet, sweet,  
\- Sounds like you're talking about a kitten.  
\- They had dinner twice together... And the second time...  
\- Taryn, damn it!  
\- And the second time, they finished the evening at Steven's.  
\- Since when did my private life become the attraction of the operating room?  
\- Ah and how was the evening at the kitten's house?  
\- Umpf  
\- Yes I understand, why settle for a kitten when you want a tiger... So leave the little kitten out?  
\- So the little kitten will wait in his corner until you stop waiting for the tiger in your corner? And meanwhile, everyone is alone in their corner....   
\- Or not... Nico, who hadn't said anything until then, said those two words very abruptly.

The other 4 turn to him, he continues to close the patient's wound, very concentrated. Nico continues.

\- If Steven (he pronounces while clenching his teeth) is a kitten and you want a tiger, what are you?  
\- A tiger trainer, Levi laughed.  
\- A prey for the tiger, Helm brutally said.  
\- I'm not a prey... I'm not as fragile as you think.  
\- Oh Levi! Two days ago you told me your heart was in pieces....

Nico blames, Levi looks at him worried, and shoots Taryn with his eyes.

\- So you're finally going to ruin my day? You're my friend, you're not supposed to reveal my confidences in public!  
\- I'm sorry, I couldn't help it....

Silence is heavy in the operating room, everyone concentrates on their task.

\- Tell me Dr. Kim... Still not interested in a meeting?  
\- Why? Is your passing friend still passing through? Nico laughs, deciding to take the opportunity Meredith gives him to relax the atmosphere and divert Levi's attention.  
\- No, but Cece is very good at setting up meetings...  
\- Which don't often lead to concrete stories from what I've been hearing here for the past two months. Thank you, Dr. Grey, but I won't need her services. 

They both laugh, Link joins them. Helm smiles at Levi to tell him she's sorry. Levi smiles, it's not important, he's still happy with what he shared with Nico last night. He looks at him and feels happy, he hadn't seen him for a long time or heard him laugh.

The operation is over, Levi goes to leave the room, when Nico calls him:  
\- Schmitt, I'd like to talk to you, you promised...  
\- Yes, I know, I know. In half an hour, I need to eat first. Grumble, Levi.

\- He looked very good that Steven, I don't understand!  
\- Schmitt's heart is already taken, Helm... And when a tiger has taken your heart, all the kittens in the world can show up, you won't want them or you'll get tired of them quickly.

She turns to Nico.  
\- Dr. Kim... I know you don't want to talk about your private life here... But... If the tiger breaks Dr. Schmitt's heart again, I warn you that I will kill the tiger... We understand each other?  
\- Yes, Dr. Grey, it's very clear.

Nico and Helm leave the operating room. Link turns to Meredith.  
\- Nico and Schmitt seem to have found common ground, maybe they will become friends again?  
\- Friends? Meredith laughs... You're blind, Link! They are and will always be much more than friends.  
\- Derek was your tiger? And no kittens on the horizon?  
\- I don't have Schmitt's problem. I am the wild cat to tame...

Half an hour later, Levi enters the guard room with a ball in his stomach and is convinced that Nico wants to break up. Nico's already here, he seems nervous. He reaches out his hand to him.

\- Look... I'm sorry about the way things went between us yesterday... It was your first time... And I almost raped you...  
\- I was totally willing....   
\- Shut up and listen to me... I'm already having a hard time expressing what I mean... And I know you expect the worst... So let me try to put you out of your misery and doubts.  
\- Whatever you say, I would never regret anything that happened between us....  
\- Levi, damn it. Listen to me... I ask you to forgive me for my violent behavior yesterday... I wasn't ready to live this story with you a month ago, and I'm not sure I'm ready today... But... this episode with Steven... I hate to say his name... This episode with Steven forced me to open my eyes... I want to be with you, live. But it will take time and patience... I doubt and I will doubt again...  
\- All you have to do is say "yes", I told you that a month ago... Then it's about living things as they will happen.

Nico looks into Levi's eyes, Levi holds his breath.  
\- Yes... Yes I want to be with you... But I want to do things right... So as soon as we have an evening off, I want to invite you to dinner, take the time to talk at length on the couch, take the time to court you... Before making love to you again...  
\- Are you asking me out?  
\- Yes, it is.  
\- Don't you want to break up with me?  
\- No, that's what I've been trying to tell you all day.  
\- Couldn't you have said it earlier?

Nico laughs as he kisses her.

\- Oh, the bad faith of the tiger trainer.

Levvi throws himself into Nico's arms, happy with this new page in their lives that is opening, even though he knows that the wild beast sleeping in Nico will give him more trouble.


	4. Settling the past.... Building for the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A patient awakens bad memories for the ortho gods... Levi discovers a part of Nico's past, and loves him even more. But as always, nothing is simple.

Levi was working in the emergency room that morning, he was with Alex Karev and Meredith Grey on a trauma. A 30-year-old guy who was beaten up in the street, that's what the paramedics said. The police should come and question him.  
Levi wrote down everything Karev and Grey said on the tablet....  
\- Schmitt, beep the ortho, please.... He has serious injuries to his legs and arms.

Levi beeps the ortho.... Despite the situation and the patient's poor health, he can't help but hope that Nico will come. They split up this morning after breakfast, he spent the night again in his arms. They share these moments as soon as their schedules allow. They decided to live their relationship day by day, without trying to define it or put too definitive words into it. 

\- Schmitt? Schmitt? You're listening to us ?  
Karev's voice brings him back to reality, and he starts filling out the patient's card on the tablet again.

At Ortho service, Link is shady and thoughtful, he looks at Nico with concern.  
\- Nico.... Do you know what day it is?  
\- Wednesday...  
\- No.... What I mean is, what date is it? You know he's out of jail, right?

Nico feels an icy shiver running down his back but answers Link very stoically.  
\- It had to happen one day... Let’s hope that serving this prison sentence will have helped him evolve.  
\- Is that all? Is that your reaction to the idea of this guy being free again?  
\- Link.... I have absolutely no desire to talk about this, to relive all this.... Today I met Levi, I'm trying to enjoy this story, and it's not easy enough... You know... I think it makes me stronger....  
\- It seems that you are really positive for each other.... Does he know?  
\- No.... And he doesn't have to know.... I don't want to scare him with my past....  
\- Damn it, Nico..... Don't underestimate him! He's not so fragile... Let's go, we're called to the emergency room.

When he arrived at the emergency room, Link joined the team present around the patient.... Levi presents the case....   
\- Jordan Newman, 29, was attacked on the street this morning. No blow seems to have been made to the head.... Many bruises were detected at the abdominal level, and we were waiting for you for an opinion on arm and leg injuries.  
Link turns white when looking at the patient, his eyes usually so soft were black with anger.  
\- I don't want Dr. Lincoln to take care of me... The patient expresses himself with difficulty.... The last time we met, he threatened to kill me...  
\- The last time we met, you had just beaten two people to death and left them for dead in an alley.... Obviously there is justice....  
\- I paid for it.... I got out of prison yesterday.... I paid for that mistake when I was young.  
\- I'm the head of the ortho department here... If you do not want our care, you have the right to ask for a transfer elsewhere.  
\- I can handle this patient, Dr. Lincoln... Nico enters the room, cold and professional. Levi smiles at him, but Nico doesn't look at him.  
\- No, you can't do that.  
\- Yes, I can.... Mr. Newman, do you agree to be my patient?

The patient looks at it at length.   
\- Yes, Dr. Kim, I would appreciate it if you could be my doctor...  
Link is boiling.  
\- You don't have to do this!   
\- This patient needs an ortho surgeon and he's afraid of you... Do I have a choice?  
\- Okay ! On one condition! Karev, can Schmitt work in ortho for the duration of this case?  
\- No, there's no way! Nico screams.   
\- Nico.... We're going out for a while to talk about it, will you?

The two ortho gods come out, and the others look at them surprised.... They're fighting in the hallway....  
\- I don't want Levi to be around this guy.  
\- And I'm not leaving you this case, if Levi's not with you.  
\- Why? I'm fine!   
\- Because at some point, memories will come back, emotionally... And you'll need someone willing to support you...  
\- You're here... It's a friend I'll need.  
\- I'm overwhelmed with anger, I won't be effective at supporting you... Fucking Nico! I watched helplessly for days as you died...   
\- I can't believe we were talking about this an hour ago...  
\- It seems that someone expressed violently, what many dreamed of, by attacking this guy... Why don't you want Schmitt on this case?  
\- I wish he didn't know that side, that violence, that hatred... And then, we start dating, this story is a heavy burden for a nascent relationship... But if you don't leave me the choice, then OK, Schmitt will follow me on this case...

Levi is talking to the patient,   
\- You assaulted people?  
\- Yes, a little over 3 years ago.... friends and I were coming out of a bar... We crossed them hand in hand.... We beat them up.... We were hateful and stupid...  
\- You left them for dead? But why, why assault a couple for free ?  
\- Because they were gay....  
Levi is speechless.... Karev and Meredith look at the patient and then the two ortho surgeons who come back calmed down.

\- Well, Schmitt, you'll follow me on this case... We take the patient to the X-ray and the scanner...  
Levi and Nico go out taking the patient.  
\- I should have killed him three years ago... Link grumble   
\- Dr. Kim was one of the victims, wasn't he? Says Meredith  
\- Yes....  
\- We could have had the patient transferred... Says Karev  
\- Nico thinks he can handle it...  
\- Does Schmitt know? Ask for Meredith.   
\- No.... 

 

Levi and Nico are with the patient in the elevator.  
\- What happened?  
\- I got out of prison yesterday.... This morning, an individual attacked me in front of my house.... It seemed as if he was putting crosses on the calendar while waiting for me to come out...

Nico nods, thoughtful...   
\- Dr. Kim... Why did you agree to treat me? You should be angry like Dr. Lincoln or like the man who attacked me...  
\- Let's just say that a head injury, a week in a coma, a broken hip and a broken femur, cured me forever of the idea of being physically violent towards anyone. And I'm a doctor, I don't choose patients....  
\- Your mentor doesn't have your indulgence...  
\- The coma protected me from the effects of the event.... Not him....

Levi follows the conversation in silence. Little by little, he understood the horror of the situation... Nico was one of the two victims.... He imagines Nico being mistreated, beaten, broken... He looks up at him, but Nico looks away... Nico needs to be stoic, cold and professional. 

Later, Nico and Levi studied the patient's x-rays.   
\- Nico?   
\- Mmmm?   
\- Do you want to talk about it?   
\- There's nothing to say.... Yes, I was attacked because I was gay... That was years ago.... There's nothing more to say....   
Levi lays his hand on Nico's. Nico takes his hand off and focuses on the radios. 

 

At the end of the day, they will leave the hospital. Nico is always distant and cold. Levi doesn't know how to act.   
\- Look Levi.... I would like to be alone tonight.... Don't be mad at me, but....   
\- I understand... See you tomorrow.   
Levi places a light kiss on Nico's lips and watches Nico walk away. 

Levi falls on a bench while sighing. 

\- Are you all right, Schmitt? It hasn't been too hard a day?   
\- Dr. Lincoln.... He refuses to talk... He refuses to share this with me.   
\- He refuses to share this with himself... For years.... After the trial, he never wanted to talk about it again... But now it's all coming back to him.... I'm afraid for him.   
\- I shouldn't have left him alone.   
\- He didn't give you a choice.... Don't let him lock himself in...   
\- I will send him messages.... Even if we're not together, he'll know I'm here for him.   
\- In the meantime I need a drink, I'll buy you a Schmitt drink, to help us get over all these emotions.   
\- Yes, thank you.   
\- I'm going up to finish a file and let's go. 

An hour later, Link and Levi arrive at Joe's house. Nico is half lying on the bar, completely drunk.   
\- Nico.... Levi touches Nico's arm. Nico reacts very violently.   
\- Don't touch me.... I don't want to be touched....   
\- Okay Nico.... We're going to take you home....   
\- You... You... My friend.... Why did you let him live? That monster that almost killed me... You know he's the least worse monster of all... Because that day, I remember... He saved me from the other monsters.... The other monsters.... They wanted to burn us alive...   
\- What?  
\- Yeah, exactly.... These three guys were beating us up.... And when the other two talked about grilling us alive.... Jordan Newman stopped them... I don't remember how, by the way.... I don't even remember the guy I was with... It's sad no, we almost died together and that's all... At the same time, if we hadn't been beaten up, we would have just fucked... A one-night stand that went wrong. Like you, my darling, a multi-night adventure that will go wrong... 

Nico laughs loudly, his laughter turns into tears.   
Link grabs Nico and drags him out. Levi and Link are taking Nico home.

\- Link, my friend, I won't be able to cure this guy... No, I won't be able to... I'm a pitiful being... I need a shower... I need a shower... Hey Levi, you're here... I'm taking a shower and I'm all yours... You can do whatever you want with me... That's why you come... a purely sexual relationship... 

Link and Levi look at Nico as he stumbles towards the bathroom, Nico takes off his clothes one by one.

\- I'll leave you to it. Says Link. I think you can handle it, Schmitt. I'll arrange for the patient to be transferred to another hospital at dawn, I'll wait for you at 8:00. Good luck and good night.

Levi watches Link leave, then heads for the bathroom. Nico is in the bathtub completely prostrate, he's shaking.

\- Nico... it's me... You're safe...

Levi slips behind Nico, he surrounds him with his whole body... Nico cries for a long time, huddled in the arms of the young intern. When Nico's body jolts calm down, Levi opens the water, which falls on them like a saving rain. They stay a long time like that.   
Then Levi helps Nico out of the shower... Nico catches him against the sink and kisses him with violence...   
\- That's what you want... Say it... You want me to fuck you... That's all I'm good at.   
Levi pushes him away, and Nico lets him go... He goes to his room and falls on the bed... A few moments later, he snores, deeply asleep.

Levi watches him... He is hurt and distraught... 3 times that Nico implies that their relationship is only a sexual adventure... While he feels he should learn to breathe again if one day Nico was no longer there... Discover this piece of Nico's past with a devastating effect... This man, so harsh and strong, almost dying under the blows of homophobes... Levi, exhausted, lies down against Nico... He can't stop silent tears from flowing and he falls asleep. 

The next morning, Nico is busy preparing breakfast, Levi joins him after taking a shower. They haven't exchanged a word since they woke up.   
\- I have to go, Dr. Lincoln is waiting for me....   
\- At least have a cup of coffee!   
\- No thanks... Nico? Do you really think I only want to be with you for sex?   
Nico looks up at Levi, he puts his hand on his... Levi strongly withdraws his hand.   
\- In vino veritas... Levi whispers and leaves.   
\- But... 

While Link prepares to welcome the patient to another hospital, Levi remains with the patient.  
\- Mr. Newman, it is no longer possible to take charge of your case here, the news of your past actions towards Dr. Kim has spread... Half the hospital wishes you only misfortune...  
\- Except you....  
\- I'm the first, Mr. Newman.  
\- But Dr. Kim agreed to treat me...  
\- He no longer feels capable of it, which is why his head of department is organizing your transfer...  
\- I understand... I might as well be treated elsewhere than murdered here... Just tell me Dr. Schmitt... Why you first?  
\- For 2 reasons: I'm gay myself and I'm in love with Dr. Kim...  
\- Two important reasons, indeed. I won't have enough of a life to ask for forgiveness.

Link arrives with two paramedics who are taking the patient. Remained alone, Link asks:  
\- Did you tell him?  
\- What? To whom?  
\- To Nico... did you tell him you loved him?  
\- He thinks it's just a sexual adventure...  
\- No, he said that when he was drunk... You are much more than that. Come on, let's go see our other patients who didn't try to murder a friend.

After working with Link all day, Levi picks up his things at the cloakroom before going home. His phone displays 15 new texts, all from Nico....

7:50 am: Levi, call me back as soon as possible, please   
8:30 am: I'm terribly sorry... I don't remember exactly what I said that hurt you... I miss you...  
9:15 am: Thank you... Thank you very much for staying with me last night   
11:30 am: I've been trying since this morning to find the memories of last night..... I remember the shower exit... oh my God, I was still violent with you..... I'm sorry......   
1:00 pm: I'm terrified...... Your silence breaks my heart... I don't want to lose you......  
1:28 pm : Levi....... I...  
2:16 pm : This silence is not like you... I try to reason with myself, I know that you are overworked. Link forbade me to come to work today.  
3:53 pm: Levi... I know it may be one too many times. It's easy to hurt you and then ask you to listen to me and forgive me... But I've never hidden my fears from you. Yesterday, I wasn't myself. My past came back to me violently.   
4:21 pm : I am pathetic. I could get on your knees and ask you to listen to me...  
4:23 pm : I hate myself for feeling so vulnerable... I know I was the one who made the rules.... I am the one who refuses to put words on the emotions we share. Maybe it would be better if you left me...  
4:26 pm : No, no, I'm rambling... Please don't break up with me, not without giving me a chance to explain...  
4:29 pm : I'm going completely crazy... Answer me, damn it!  
6:00 pm: I took a shower... I'm calm... Come and join me after your shift, I beg you...  
6:30 pm : Come... I'm waiting for you.  
6:43 pm : I prepare dinner...

Levi is sitting on the bench in front of the hospital. He's staring at his phone, it's 7:30. He reads and rereads Nico's messages...

\- Well, it's becoming a habit to be there after the service... Let's beware, it could be gossip....  
Link sits next to Levi laughing.  
\- We did a really good job today, Schmitt. I am happy. I hope you will seriously consider the option of specializing in ortho. You'll have time to think about it, but I think it's important to tell you.  
\- Thank you Dr. Lincoln....   
\- How many texts? Link asks the question with a mischievous smile, pointing to the phone.  
\- 15  
\- Me... 8... Half of them to ask me to convince you to give him a sign of life.  
\- I only found it now... I only thought about work today...   
\- It's a great strength, Schmitt... Being able to stay focused on work despite personal problems!  
\- I always told myself that I would leave my problems at the hospital entrance when I arrived, and that I would pick them up when I left...  
\- It's a good philosophy.

\- Not easy to hold on to when working with personal problems. *Meredith Grey appears next to them*. Well, gentlemen, it's becoming a habit for the three of us to get together. 

Meredith sits to the right of Levi. Levi turns his head towards one of the doctors and then the other, and laughs. All three laugh with their throats open.

\- So what's the problem today? (Meredith)  
\- Well Nico had a difficult day yesterday... And Schmitt paid the price... (Link)  
\- At the same time, he had reason to be unhappy... I can't even imagine how I would react if someone tried to kill me for who I am, what I represent. (Levi)  
\- And the proud Dr. Kim has been harassing us with text messages all day... (Link)  
\- Oh, so he's cured of his overconfidence. So, Schmitt, what happens now? (Meredith)  
\- I guess I'll go find him and you'll have to put words on the feelings...  
\- Ah the transition from passion to built love requires a lot of patience, my little Schmitt... You really have a lot of patience... A great quality for a surgeon. It's not easy to tame a tiger, is it? A bruised tiger... (Meredith)  
\- Not easy, but so easy to love him... Anyway... I think I'll go join him, he's suffered enough for today.

Levi takes his phone and just sends a text message: I just saw your messages. I'm coming....

\- Dr. Grey, can I buy you a drink at Joe's? (Link)  
\- Actually, Dr. Lincoln, you come to this bench every night, and invite the person sitting there to have a drink? (Levi laughs)  
\- Ah, and who was the previous person sitting on that bench? (Meredith)  
\- I am that person," Levi laughs. Good evening to both of you, I really have to go now. See you tomorrow.

Meredith and Link watch Levi walk away....  
\- We do a good job... We are efficient Cupid.  
\- Yes, Dr. Grey, but we're both still lonely hearts. Who will be our Cupid?

Levi arrives in front of Nico's house, takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. Nico opens it to him, a smile barely sketched on his face and brings him in. Nico puts his hands in his pockets, and switches from one foot to the other, uncomfortable.

\- May I kiss you?  
\- Since when do you need my permission to kiss me?

Nico looks at his shoes, he has lost all self-confidence.  
\- Since you took your hand off when I tried to squeeze it into mine this morning.

Levi approaches Nico, and puts his toes on his toes to give him a light kiss on his lips.  
\- I had a bad day," said Nico.  
\- I understand, yes... I didn't see your messages until I got out of the hospital tonight.  
\- I thought you were ignoring my messages voluntarily.  
\- You believed what you wanted to believe... So what about dinner?  
\- We need to talk....  
\- Yes, certainly... But I think we need to relax first and start with dinner.  
\- Okay, settle down, I'll bring the dish.

Levi can't help but smile, he sees piles of pastries on the kitchen counter stacked on plates.  
\- Have you been cooking all day?  
\- Yeah, I was going crazy, so I cooked, there's food for days.

Levi sits down at the table, Nico joins him and he tastes the lasagna dish he has prepared together. The silence remains heavy.

\- Nico?  
\- Yes?  
\- When you experienced this aggression a few years ago, did you have psychological follow-up afterwards?  
\- No... I refused it... Today I understand that I wanted to pretend like it never happened, but...  
\- But?  
\- It happened... And since yesterday, I feel like I'm reliving everything with the same violence and pain. I called a psychologist today to start a follow-up, to overcome this trauma.  
\- I'm happy for you. It's important not to be alone with this.

The silence falls again, only the sound of forks can be heard.

\- Levi?  
\- Yes?  
\- Are you very angry with me?  
\- I'm not angry. I feel helpless, lost.  
\- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.  
\- It’s not just from you. I found out yesterday that I didn't know you very well. I want to see you so much as a strong, invincible person, I forget your fragile, sensitive side. And we can say that yesterday, fragility took the entire place.  
\- Did I disappoint you?  
\- No, not you, me. I didn't feel up to it. And the things you said amplified that feeling.  
\- I was completely drunk.... I can't even remember what I said.  
\- You blamed Link for not killing Jordan Newman years ago...  
\- Yes, he told me on the phone, I talked to him a few minutes ago. I think yesterday I needed to hurt, and blame the whole world for what happened to me.  
\- And, three times, you made it clear to me that I was only with you for sex, as if I was treating you like my whore.

Nico swallows painfully.

\- I don't think that... You have to apologize for those words. I'm destroying everything, for God's sake.  
\- You made the rules, Nico. We have decided together to live this relationship as it is, without question, to enjoy every moment that life allows us to share. I think that these rules are obsolete and that the time has come to ask questions and put words to each other's feelings and desires.

Nico gets pale and then smiles shyly.  
\- You've gained so much confidence in a few weeks.  
\- It was you who allowed me to gain self-confidence... Until yesterday, I was happy, I respected the rules you laid down... The situation suited me because it allowed me to be close to you. But hearing me say that I treat you like a sex toy, when what I feel is beyond words, was unbearable.  
\- How you feel about me?  
\- You came into my life by braking with both feet. I let you in and you have a huge place... I think if I were to lose you, I would have to learn to breathe again.  
\- I'm afraid....  
\- I know that. I know that. I don't want to scare you, but I want to be honest with you and with myself. I love you. I love you. I really love you. Our relationship has become essential to my life, and I want to move forward with you. The question is "How do you feel?"

Nico is going to settle down on the couch and invites Levi to join him. Once they are installed, he takes her hand in his own.

\- Today I felt ridiculous, vulnerable, pathetic, unhappy... And I sent you lots of messages and the silence that followed was unbearable. I would like to master everything, but I no longer master anything when it comes to you, when it comes to us. I feel like I can't exist without you, and it terrifies me. I want to be close to you, I want to protect you, I want to listen to you, I want to trust you, I want to be able to collapse in your arms without feeling judged, I want sex with you without you being afraid that our relationship will be based only on that.   
\- I don't need a long speech Nico, speeches are usually made by me...  
They laugh together.  
\- Just tell me how you feel about me, please, Nico !  
\- I love you... I love you more than I would like to... it's beyond me and scares me. I never said it would be simple, remember?  
\- I remember. I'll be patient. But I will never again withhold what I feel. I love you.  
Levi slips into Nico's arms and kisses her.

\- All right," said Nico, "if we went to sleep, this day exhausted me. Ah and... No sex tonight... I only have tenderness to offer.  
\- Well, I'll settle for it... For tonight, at least!  
They rise with a single impulse and collapse together on the bed, huddled in each other's arms. They fall asleep exhausted by all these emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this chapter, and I couldn't stop. As a result, the end is perhaps a little bit cramped, I couldn't be satisfied.


	5. To love or to live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The loss of love does not affect vital functions, does it?

Nico and Levi are huddled together in a on call room. Nico keeps his eyes open, he listens to Levi's gentle breathing, he likes to feel Levi against him like this. He feels his heart tightening.  
Everything went so fast between them... For a moment he rejected him, and a few days later he had the impression that they had known each other forever. Levi looked at him with big, amazed eyes as if he had gotten the moon for him. Nico considers Levi a precious stone that he intends to keep to himself.  
Levi stretched like a cat, wriggling between Nico's arms.  
\- Hello, tiger, how long have I been asleep?  
\- As much as your body probably needed. I'm on call in the emergency room, I'm going back.  
\- I have an operation with Dr. Avery, I'll see you later.  
Nico kisses Levi with passion, leaving him hanging, and walks towards the door with a satisfied smile. Levi throws a pillow at him and shouts, "And I'm the devil, right?  
In the emergency room, a serious case has arrived. Following a car accident, a woman is in a very critical general state. Link, Nico, Meredith and Helm are on the case. A man comes screaming: Oh my God, it's my wife... Tell me she'll be fine... She'll live...  
Link waves to Nico to go take care of the husband.  
\- What is your name?  
\- Grant...  
\- Well, Grant, I can't hide from you that your wife's condition is serious... We'll do everything we can to keep her alive...  
\- You don't understand... you can't understand... I've loved her for so long... I can't remember life without her... she's all I have... My life is over if I lose her...  
Nico feels a certain anger inside him, he will never understand how people cry over themselves when their loved ones are suffering... I can't live without him... This sentence is absurd, you don't lose your vital functions because another person dies... you suffer his loss, yes, but you don't die from it. He forces himself to smile at Grant, puts him in the waiting room, promising to come and give him news as soon as possible.  
He goes back to the operating room with an annoyed look on his face.  
\- Is there a problem, Nico? (Link)  
\- I just don't like to face the family who lament. (Nico)  
\- They need it, they are afraid, expressing their fear out loud helps to avoid collapse. (Link)  
\- I don't understand how you can give responsibility for your existence to another person, by denying your own life if the other person dies. (Nico)  
\- Have you ever lost someone you loved, Dr. Kim? (Meredith)  
\- My grandparents... (Nico)  
\- No, I mean, someone you felt so close to that you felt like you'd stop breathing if they weren't there? (Meredith)  
\- Uh... Meredith had a knack for being confused him.  
\- In fact, the first question that arises is, have you ever loved someone so much that you think you can no longer live without them? No doubt not... But I wish you to live this... no matter how the story ends, nothing takes away the strength of the love that has been shared. (Meredith)  
\- No, I probably didn't love it that way, Dr. Grey. And if it's going to make me deny my own existence, I'd rather not know that, thank you. (Nico)  
\- Poor Levi... (Helm)  
\- What? (Nico)  
\- Levi says he should learn to breathe again if he loses you. (Helm)  
\- I know...  
\- Helm... Dr. Kim doesn't want to talk about his private life... Dr. Kim wants us to believe that his coldness prevents him from feeling anything he can't control... Let's hope Dr. Schmitt doesn't have to come to us dying on a stretcher so that Dr. Kim finally knows how he really feels. (Meredith)  
\- I didn't say I wouldn't suffer if I had to lose the man I love... I'm just saying there's no reason for it to jeopardize my own vital functions. (Nico)  
\- Fuck... she's making a stop... (Link).  
Despite the commitment of the entire team, the patient died.  
Meredith and Nico are going to break the news to her husband.  
Grant collapsed in tears, screaming as if someone was trying to murder him, then collapsed in Helm's arms.  
Nico feels his heart squeeze, he puts his hands in his pockets, it must not reach him, it must not...  
Meredith and Helm accompany Grant to a box to give him a sedative. Nico feels numb, he sits on a seat, head in his hands, gazing into the void, prostrate.  
Link approaches and tries to talk to him... Nico has no reaction... Meredith tries again, without result.  
\- Let's send for Dr. Schmitt, right away... they say in chorus.  
\- Maybe I was a little overreacting?  
\- You wanted to break the shell... It's done... and my assistant is out...  
Hunt and Shepherd come by, and say hello to Nico who doesn't react.  
\- What's going on? Is there anything we can do? (Hunt)  
\- Helm went to get Dr. Schmitt. (Meredith)  
\- We are tons of doctors here, and you have Schmitt asked for... (Amelia)  
\- If Schmitt doesn't make him react, no one will... (Meredith)  
\- If Nico could avoid being hospitalized in psychiatry because Dr. Grey decided he had to experience his feelings at all costs... it would be convenient for me. (Link) 

Levi comes running....

\- I got here as fast as I could... what's going on?  
\- We lost a patient... Dr. Kim went to tell her husband, and since then he's been prostrate on this seat, eyes down and he's not answering any of us... If you could try, before we decided to call the psychiatrist.  
Levi turns his head and sees Nico, he has the impression that his heart will give out. He slowly approaches and squats in front of Nico, taking his hands.  
\- Nico....  
Nico looks up at Levi and stares at him... Levi gently caresses his hands.  
\- What happened?  
\- The patient died... And me... And me... And me... I was angry with her husband who was only thinking about the fact that he couldn't live without her, when she wasn't even dead... And now she's really dead...  
\- We are doctors... Unfortunately, we often have to deal with these situations. What happened?  
\- I love you... And I feel like I can't live without you... And it's an unbearable feeling.  
Levi puts his forehead against Nico's, looking into his own.  
\- I love you... And I have no intention of letting you live without me... I'm with you and I'm not leaving... And it's absurd, even if I were to die one day, it would have no impact on your vital functions...  
Levi speaks with a very serious tone, they laugh in chorus.  
The 4 doctors, who observe them in the distance, smile. Meredith says cheerfully.  
\- Dr. Schmitt is becoming more and more confident and Dr. Kim is behaving like a human being. The method may be brutal, but I'm quite proud of myself.


	6. Happy birthday Levi !!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mrs. Schmitt organize a surprise dinner for Levi's birthday

Taryn and Casey were at Levi’s mother’s house that morning.   
She tells them about the surprise party she wanted to throw for her son’s birthday.   
She had 15 envelopes in her hand, and she gave them to Taryn and asked her to distribute them in the hospital.

“I want to invite all the people that Levi has spoken to me about since he worked at Grey Sloan Memorial. It will be a perfect dinner, for his 25th birthday I want to see in his eyes the happiness of being what he has become.” 

“Ms. Schmitt, your son has met someone who seems to be very important to him…maybe this person should be invited?” Said Casey 

“Well, actually this person is already invited,” said Taryn, raising an envelope with a big smile.   
Ms. Schmitt looks at Taryn with a big smile, she wonders who that person might be.

 

\---

 

Two hours later, at the hospital.

Taryn finds Link, Meredith and Nico near the nurses' office.

"Isn't Levi here?"

"No, he's taking a nap before the next operation," Meredith says.

"So that's it for you, Mrs. Schmitt is having a surprise dinner for Levi's birthday and the three of you are invited."

"Levi's birthday... When? Am I invited? In what capacity? Did Levi tell his mother about us?" Nico is agitated and talks fast.

"Look... Our tiger is panicking," says Meredith.

" No, he didn't mention you... But she invited about fifteen people, including you... And she knows that among the guests is someone very close to Levi... because Casey and I told her this morning..." Taryn looks down, sorry.

" Mrs. Schmitt must imagine that she is a pretty nurse or medical student... I won't belong at this party..." Nico grumbles.

Meredith will answer when Levi appears at the end of the corridor... The 3 doctors put the invitation in a pocket of their gown.

"I am well rested... Ready for the rest of the day, Dr. Grey." Levi says.

"Well, to the block, gentlemen. I love it when the four of us operate. Not you?" Says Meredith laughing.

"I like it a lot too," say Link and Levi in chorus.

Nico holds the envelope in his pocket, he feels an anguish inside him, he has never been introduced to his boyfriends' parents before.  
He feels Meredith's gaze hanging over him.

"Dr. Kim?"

"Yes, Dr. Grey... My feelings are rather mixed about the pleasure of the four of us... But I know that there is something to learn every day with you." Nico makes a cheeky smile.  
"Dr. Kim, you will remind me that I was going to answer you about whether or not to be in his place, before Dr. Schmitt arrived... I want to give you my opinion on this, when the time is right..." 

"Dr. Grey, I would appreciate it if my private problems would stop being the subject of discussion in the operating room..." Nico gets a little annoyed.

"What problem? Are you in trouble?" Levi is alarmed.

" You see, Schmitt, some people don't know how to enjoy life as it is, and are constantly trying to make dramas of everything and nothing..." Meredith talks with a laugh. Nico sighs and enters the OR, ready to face Meredith Grey's mockery.

 

\--

 

The morning of Levi's birthday, at the Schmitt house.

"Hello, son, happy birthday! I made you a nice breakfast... and tonight, your favorite dish for our ritual dinner., one-on-one."

"Mom, can I invite someone to share this dinner with us?"

"Of course... is it someone I know?"

"He's someone I'd like you to meet... You're the two most important people in my life... I'd be happy for you to meet..."

Mrs. Schmitt smiled tenderly at her son. "If this person is so important to you, I'd be happy to meet him."

Levi kisses his mother. "So I'll see you tonight, I love you, Mom."

 

\--

 

In the late morning, Levi takes Nico to an on call room. He kisses him with passion. Out of breath both of them are trying to catch their breath. Levi says.

"Nico... Will you come to my mother's for dinner tonight?"

"Tonight... Uh... I'm sorry... I have other plans tonight, I can't cancel... But you told your mother about us?"

"Yes... was I wrong? Are you mad at me?"

"Did you tell your mother you were in love with a man?

"No, I told her I wanted to introduce her to the most important person in my life after her. I didn't specify male or female... It didn't seem important to me...

"But it's important Levi... Imagine if she takes it badly..."

Levi looks up to heaven.

"My mother just wants me to be happy whether I'm gay or straight, she doesn't care. Stop making a drama. Anyway, it's ruined... Since you have better things to do than come to dinner with my mother..."

"If you want to postpone to another night... It'll give you time to tell her for us... tonight is not important..." Nico feels bad about not being able to reassure Levi.

"It's very important... It's for my birthday..."

"Your birthday? It's your birthday today and you didn't tell me anything?" Nico smiles as he smiled his tongue over his lips... "Um, we have to celebrate... I have 15 minutes left before I join Link... I'm all yours..."

Lévi remains sad for a few moments, then smiles gently... He locks the door and throws himself on Nico with the firm intention of making a sexual profit from his 15 minutes.

 

\--

 

Nico joins Link in ortho.

"Nico... You're going to join Dr. Grey's team in O.R. 3... a humerus fracture to manage... I have to deal with a hip fracture in O.R. 4."

"Link, please... Not Meredith Grey... Not today..."

"At work... Nico... Hats off, it's the big day, you're going to meet your mother-in-law..."

"Very funny really" Nico plagues on his way to O.R. 3.

Meredith watches Nico arrive with a smile on his face.  
"Welcome to our midst, Dr. Kim. You seem happy to spend this time with us."

"Hello, Dr. Grey... Let's see that fracture."

After one hour, the patient is stabilized and the fracture is reduced.

"Dr. Kim, I was delighted to work with you today... And just one thing... Your place is where your happiness is... And it seems to me that since you met Schmitt, happiness is just right for you..."

"You can't help yourself." Nico laughs... "I'll be at the birthday dinner tonight, Dr. Grey... I have to stop referring to my past and live my present."

"See you tonight, so Dr. Kim."

 

\--

 

Levi leaves the hospital at 8pm, he hates Karev... Karev who sent him all over the hospital, all day long, fortunately he had this moment with Nico, enough to get back to enjoying life... So far... Levi calls his mother. 

"Mom, I just got out of the hospital... I'm going home alone... My boyfriend couldn't get away... see you soon." 

"See you soon, my son..." Mrs. Schmitt hangs up the phone smiling, then turns to the guests, all ready to welcome Levi.

"Levi should be here in 20 minutes... In the meantime have a drink... Dr. Kim, could you help me in the kitchen for a moment..." Levi's mother is heading towards the kitchen.

Nico stammers and stays frozen... "Yes... Uh..."

"Dr. Kim... We don't keep a lady waiting... Here you are facing your hour of truth..." Meredith laughs.

"Dr. Grey... pity..." Nico arms himself with his prettiest smile and joins Mrs. Schmitt in the kitchen.

 

"What can I do to help you, Mrs. Schmitt?"

"Nothing... I mean... Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, ma'am."

"My son just told me his boyfriend wasn't available tonight... This boyfriend is you, isn't it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Mrs. Schmitt smiles at Nico and hugs him.

"Thank you for making my son proud of who he is, finally. I suspected that there was a strong bond between the two of you... When my son talks about you, his eyes are exalted, his cheeks red and his speech rate extremely fast... Thank you Dr. Kim...

"Nico, ma'am... Thank you for allowing Levi to live by always expressing his feelings... Otherwise I think our story would have just begun... But it's a long story and we have an anniversary to celebrate." Nico smiled and kissed Mrs. Schmitt's cheek. 

"He's coming, he's coming!!!!!".... All the guests will hide in the room, while Mrs. Schmitt will greet Lévi on the porch.

Levi arrives, looking upset. His mother hugs him and kisses him.

"Come on, big boy, I'll make you forget this day, I made you your favorite meal."

"Thank you, Mom... the chief came after me today. I thought he'd never let me go..."

"You should have told him it was your birthday."

Levi looks at his mother and starts laughing "Mom, I am a doctor, people don't stop being sick because it's my birthday".

They both laugh. Mrs. Schmitt invites Lévi to wait for her in the dining room while she goes to get the food.

"Surprise!!!!!!!!!"..... Levi's heart misses several beats when he sees all the guests in front of him. Everyone starts singing for him. His eyes catch Nico's, he's so moved.

When he has greeted everyone, he heads for Nico.

"You lied to me" Levi said with a little smile

"Technically no, I didn't do it..."

"You told me you didn't know it was my birthday."

"No, I said you never told me it was your birthday..."

" You told me you weren't available tonight because you had plans."

"Yes and it was true... It wasn't a lie... Your mother has been planning this surprise for 3 weeks... And it was torture to keep it secret without telling a single lie" Nico takes the audience to witness these last words.

Everyone laughs. Meredith said to Levi. "Dr. Kim was heroic not to tell you this secret."

"Let's go to dinner," says Mrs. Schmitt.

At the end of the dinner, Levi opens his presents... In front of him stethoscopes, books, DVDs...   
Nico hands him a small wrapped box, Levi opens it and discovers a magnificent four-leaf clover-shaped key ring with "Dr Levi Schmitt" engraved on the back. 

Nico shakes his head while looking in his pockets: "What an idiot I am", he takes out a key, and clumsily hands it to Levi, "I forgot to put it in the package"... 

Link jokes "Nico... Should I be worried? May Levi gain confidence in him when he comes into contact with you, I am willing... But if you become clumsy in his place, I fear the worst".

Levi takes the key and puts it on the key ring, he recognizes the key to Nico's apartment, he is very moved. Nico adds, "I want you to be able to feel at home with me as if it were your own."  
Levi kisses her tenderly.

Further on, Mrs. Schmitt and Meredith look at them.

"Well, Mrs. Schmitt, it looks like your little bird is about to leave the nest..."

"He seems so happy... it's our role to let our children fly on their own..."

"Yes, and don't worry about him... I'm looking after him and Dr. Kim..." Meredith spoke up so that Nico could hear him well.

"Link, Levi, please, never leave me alone with Dr. Grey again" Nico says with a pout and everyone laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> I share with you this text that I wrote after episode 15-06.... Frustrated, like everyone else, after the elevator scene.


End file.
